Welcome to as the bar turns where anything is possible I'm just a government forced retired bartender trying to make extra money from the internet the honest way.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Make more money drinking!
Ok here's one for all you drinkers out there. According to an American study published in the Journal of Labor Research. [No booze? You may lose; Why drinkers earn more money than nondrinkers]. Seems regular visits to the bar boost your social skills and networking capabilities. Which proves people skills do help improve your working skills. So if you want to increase your income go to the bars drink some alcohol at least once a month. You'll make 10 % extra if your a man and 14 % if your a woman. The study goes on to argue that anti-alcohol campaigns are detrimental to the economy and society in general. So lets all have a drink and be happy, healthy, wealthy, and wise. Bye for now
Monday, September 25, 2006
The rooster and the duck
This is a true story.. My mom one year got a baby chick and duck for an Easter present. The chick turned out to be a rooster and the duck a female. The rooster went everywhere with my mom even to the bar. the duck liked to stay at home and hang out in the dog house with my coon hound. As time went by the rooster became a lush and fell in love with the duck. The duck had her own problems seems my moms big white tomcat wanted to eat the duck. Probably explains why duck stayed in doghouse. So every day the rooster would perch himself on the fence and wait for the duck to come out and play. The cat was also waiting for the duck to come out and play. Everyday was the same the duck would finally come out, the cat would start to stalk, the rooster would see the cat getting ready to attack his beloved duck. The rooster would swoop down on the cat and start pecking it in the head till it ran off. Where was the dog this whole time you ask, in her dog house laughing at the stupid cat that never gave up. You would think that cat would have one heck of a headache. But day after day it came back for more. Morale of the story animals can be like humans... Their so hard headed they don't learn nothing.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Too much to drink last night
Saturday nights at the bar everyone comes out to play. Saturday nights is like a shark feeding frenzy. The men are prowling the area waiting patiently for the right moment to pounce on thier prey. After about midnight they finally start working up the liquid courage to make thier move. They move in slow try to blend in with the crowd. Next thing you know thier talking and dancing. Man has done it he got the hottest chic in the bar to go home with him for the night. So he takes her home with him they have wild sex all night. Then they both pass out in the wee hours of morning. Late sunday morning he awakings so he can call his buddies and brag about the really hot chic he brought home last night. As he rolls over to take one more look at the little hottie he brought home last night he sees this instead.....
Got marijuana!
I swear this world has gone mad. A woman in Poland is busted growing marijuana for, get this, her cow. Is this woman drinking homogenized or highonized milk? Does she want to see how high meat prices will go? Invent a new kind of cheese called Maryjane cheese? Or maybe she thought she might get some extra beef pot roast? No to all these questions she said she was feeding it to her cow to calm it. Well I'm sure it worked duh. Probably ate a lot more food too. I wonder if a high cow acts anything like a cow with mad cow disease. Stumbling around all over the place with no clue. What next get the rooster drunk so he's too hungover to cock-a-doodle-doo in the early morning. Oh wait I think my mom already tried that one (hehe). The rooster turned out to be a lush and hung out at the bar. That's another story maybe I'll tell that one tomorrow. So till tomorrow bye all.
Saturday, September 23, 2006
neighbors
This is a true story, it happened in Utah and was on the news!I thought each of you could use a little comic relief today. Here's the story. A city councilman, Mark Easton, lives in this neighborhood. He had a beautiful view of the east mountains, until a new neighbor purchased the lot below his house and built.Apparently, the new home was 18 inches higher than the ordinances would allow, so Mark Easton, mad about his lost view, went to the city to make sure they enforced the lower roof line ordinance. Mark and his new neighbor had some great arguments about this as you can imagine - not great feelings. The new neighbor had to drop the roof line - no doubt at great expense. Recently, Mark Easton called the city and informed them that his new neighbor had installed some vents on the side of his home. Mark didn't like the look of these vents and asked the city to investigate. When they went to Mark's home to see the vent view, this is what they found... (see attached pictures).
My first sale
Look out world I'm on my way now. Today I made my first sale on ebay, it wasn't much but it was a sale and i made profit. I'm so proud of myself. Sunday I will list more stuff on ebay right now I'm just listing books. Your more then welcome to come see what I have look under "molimoney2006" on ebay if your looking for some reading material. I also have a couple items in my cafepress store, the link is on my sidebar. Thanks to all of you out there who helped me get started and don't worry if I ever become rich and famous I won't turn into a snob and forget about you. Till next time thanks everyone bye.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Busy busy busy
Sorry I haven't wrote for a couple of days people. Been busy I set up a shop in cafe press,check it out,my link button is on sidebar. I put a couple short clips on you tube (under molito66) nothing grand just goofy little stuff. Then of course I think Pogo picked the two hardest badges to get this week. I have also been working on my web site too, I'm putting the finishing touches on it. Unfotunetely I have to wait six weeks so I can change my location for it. As far as excitement around here nothing much has happened me and hubby been under the weather and it's been either cold or rainy or both. Even my tomcat is braving staying indoors with the kids cause of the weather, poor cat I feel sorry for him. It's his own fault though he was a stray that chose us for a family when he was a kitten.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
x-rated font on third grade papers
In Monroe New York school officials apologized after x-rated font was found on third grade spelling packets. These packets were handed out to parents at an open house. The packet contained male and female stick figures in provocative poses to form letters of the alphabet. Ok lets start off with who was the moron who didn't recognize this before it was handed out, or was this some morons idea of a sick joke. Either way it never should have made it to the open house unless the school officials live a sheltered life and have never seen or tried any of these positions. I myself would love to have a look at this packet just to see how obvious the poses are and also to see if I've know them all (haha). But seriously people are kids have enough things in the world to worry about without some moron handing out suggestive sexual poses.
YOUTUBE scandels!
Well youtube fans I have some good news and some bad news. Lets start with the bad news, well seems someone has decided to start a big scare. They are making everyone think that big corporations are gonna invade youtube. I myself dont believe this, these people are telling everyone to make user names of big corporations so if they do come to youtube they have to buy thier name from you. Heres how i see this problem, all the dummies out there who decide to grab these user names before the big corperations grab them in youtube. Your gonna be the cause of youtube fallout by buying these user names youtube might just think the big corperations are trying to sneak in and thier gonna want money. Anyway now the good news i will continue to cast videos on youtube as long as its free or reasonably cheap, and to cover my company i'm working on starting up i grabbed "as the bar turns" so them dummies cant take my stuff. See my video at bottom.
Monday, September 18, 2006
New web cam
Yesterday hubby bought me a new web cam for me. Just another little tricket for my home business adventure I'm working on. So you know of course this means look out you tube cause here I come. I have already put a few short videos on you tube but now I can do live casts. My neighbor also got him one too. Matter of fact he was the one that told me about it being on sale. The one on sale though was a different one but it wasn't nearly as nice as the one I got. Hopefully we will get some good videos of hubby too on his intoxicated nights. You may have heard of him he goes by jerryjarhead or jarheadjerry. My neighbor has blogs about some of his adventures and now I can get some of the juicy stuff on him. Hubby don't know yet the monster he has created buying me this new web cam.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Congratulations to "He"Brew
NEW YORK - A company that started out as a joke celebrates ten years in business. Founder Jeremy Cowan says that starting out, he and his friends just thought it would be fun for Jews to have their own beer and brewed up something called "He'Brew." Ten years later, with 2 million bottles sold, it's not a joke anymore.
Cowan says he likes the beer, but wouldn't want to abandon the inside joke that started it all, the punch line being "don't pass out, pass over."
The tiny San Francisco-based brew, which depends almost as much on schtick as it does on brewing expertise, is celebrating its anniversary with several new beers. They include a rye-flavored tribute to the late comedian and free-speech icon, Lenny Bruce.
Cowan says he likes the beer, but wouldn't want to abandon the inside joke that started it all, the punch line being "don't pass out, pass over."
The tiny San Francisco-based brew, which depends almost as much on schtick as it does on brewing expertise, is celebrating its anniversary with several new beers. They include a rye-flavored tribute to the late comedian and free-speech icon, Lenny Bruce.
womans prayer
WOMAN'S POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?" I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend.
MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a Bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?" I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend.
MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a Bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
HOG ROAST!
Today my hubby's work place had a hog roast at the river. God was it good someone even donated a keg of beer for the party. After we ate me and the kids went down to the river to look for some fossils. We found fossils, fools gold, and fishing weights, and a few other rocks. Then after everyones food settled we decided to play some horseshoes. Me and hubby teamed up, him being the handicap, cause he was helping to finish the keg. We lost the first two games but we came back and won the last game. Just in time too because it started to rain. So we hurried up and helped clean up a little took some pig bones home for rover. They loaded the kids up with sodas and chips to take home with them too. And you know of course we grabbed some pig to take home with us too. We managed to get home just before the big storm hit,it was a quick storm. After the storm passed over me and my daughter went outside to see if it washed out any nitecrawlers. We caught about a dozen or so and brought them in to feed the fish. I have what i call "redneck fishtank" it's a 55 gallon fishtank with five rockbass in it. I Make little video clips of them on youtube just for fun. Check them out if you like. Hope everyone else had a great weekend bye for now.
Saturday, September 16, 2006
3rd white buffalo born
In Milwaukee Wisconsin a miracle has occurred again. The third white buffalo was born back in late August. The Indians believe the white buffalo brings good fortune and peace. Well that little guy has a big order to fill then with the world as messed up as it is right now. I think it would be safe to say that this farm is truly blessed. This is their third white buffalo to be born there. Chances of a white buffalo being born are 1 in a million and this farm has produced three of them in a little over a decade. God bless the little miracles of life.
Friday, September 15, 2006
drug test botched
Here's one you don't want to try when cheating on your drug test.
a man and woman from Pennsylvania came up with a very stupid way to try to pass a drug piss test. They decided to put some urine in a fake penis to carry to the test. they stopped at a convenience store to warm the urine up to body tempature. They wrapped it in a paper towel and handed it to the store clerk to put in the microwave behind the counter. The store clerk thinking it was a real severed penis called police. Not exactly Lorraine Bobbit but now you all know not to cheat your drug test this way.
a man and woman from Pennsylvania came up with a very stupid way to try to pass a drug piss test. They decided to put some urine in a fake penis to carry to the test. they stopped at a convenience store to warm the urine up to body tempature. They wrapped it in a paper towel and handed it to the store clerk to put in the microwave behind the counter. The store clerk thinking it was a real severed penis called police. Not exactly Lorraine Bobbit but now you all know not to cheat your drug test this way.
Could Renetto be next?
Well it's been a sad week here in the neighborhood. My neighbor is having a bad week his favorite people on youtube and television are being falling from their pedestals. First there was lonelygirl15. Then tonight I read that Duane "Dog" Chapman the bounty hunter was arrested by feds. Personally I think dog is getting a bad rap don't matter where you go if your a criminal and you get caught that's it end of story. So what if the guy was in mexico we got plenty of their criminals up here why don't they want them back. But anyway back to my story you know how everything comes in 3's well another one of my neighbors favorite people is Renetto. So be careful Renetto you could be next or maybe someone else who knows. So best of luck to all those out there that my neighbor likes to view.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
way to go troops!
Read the story. You'll understand the gesture
Look at the newspaper picture below closely before reading the story.
It's a good story about a real hero.
The Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant in the picture is Michael Burghard, part of the Explosive Ordnance Disposal (EOD) Team that is supporting 2nd Brigade 28th Infantry Division (Pennsylvania Army National Guard) in Iraq.
The story:
Leading the fight is Gunnery Sgt Michael Burghardt, known as "Iron Mike" or just "Gunny". He is on his third tour in Iraq. He had become a legend in the bomb disposal world after winning the Bronze Star for disabling 64 IEDs and destroying 1,548 pieces of ordnance during his second tour. Then, on September 19, he got blown up. He had arrived at a chaotic scene after a bomb had killed four US soldiers. He chose not to wear the bulky bomb protection suit. "You can't react to any sniper fire and you get tunnel-vision," he explains. So, protected by just a helmet and standard-issue flak jacket, he began what bomb disposal officers term "the longest walk", stepping gingerly into a 5 ft. Deep and 8 ft. Wide crater.
The earth shifted slightly and he saw a Senao base station with a wire leading from it. He cut the wire and used his 7 inch knife to probe the ground. "I found a piece of red detonating cord between my legs," he says. "That's when I knew I was screwed."
Realizing he had been sucked into a trap, Sgt Burghardt, 35, yelled at everyone to stay back. At that moment, an insurgent, probably watching through binoculars, pressed a button on his mobile phone to detonate the secondary device below the sergeant's feet. "A chill went up the back of my neck and then the bomb exploded," he recalls. "As I was in the air I remember thinking, 'I don't believe they got me.' I was just ticked off they were able to do it. Then I was lying on the road, not able to feel anything from the waist down."
His colleagues cut off his trousers to see how badly he was hurt. None could believe his legs were still there. "My dad's a Vietnam vet who's paralyzed from the waist down," says Sgt Burghardt. "I was lying there thinking I didn't want to be in a wheelchair next to my dad and for him to see me like that. They started to cut away my pants and I felt a real sharp pain and blood trickling down.
Then I wiggled my toes and I thought, 'Good, I'm in business.' "As a stretcher was brought over, adrenaline and anger kicked in.
"I decided to walk to the helicopter. I wasn't going to let my team-mates see me being carried away on a stretcher." He stood and gave the insurgents who had blown him up a one-fingered salute. "I flipped them one. It was like, 'OK, I lost that round but I'll be back next week'."
Copies of a photograph depicting his defiance, taken by Jeff Bundy for the Omaha World-Herald, adorn the walls of homes across America and that of Colonel John Gronski, the brigade commander in Ramadi, who has hailed the image as an exemplar of the warrior spirit. Sgt Burghardt's injuries - burns and wounds to his legs and buttocks - kept him off duty for nearly a month and could have earned him a ticket home. But, like his father - who was awarded a Bronze Star and three Purple Hearts for being wounded in action in Vietnam - he stayed in Ramadi to engage in the battle against insurgents who are forever coming up with more ingenious ways of killing Americans.
Look at the newspaper picture below closely before reading the story.
It's a good story about a real hero.
The Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant in the picture is Michael Burghard, part of the Explosive Ordnance Disposal (EOD) Team that is supporting 2nd Brigade 28th Infantry Division (Pennsylvania Army National Guard) in Iraq.
The story:
Leading the fight is Gunnery Sgt Michael Burghardt, known as "Iron Mike" or just "Gunny". He is on his third tour in Iraq. He had become a legend in the bomb disposal world after winning the Bronze Star for disabling 64 IEDs and destroying 1,548 pieces of ordnance during his second tour. Then, on September 19, he got blown up. He had arrived at a chaotic scene after a bomb had killed four US soldiers. He chose not to wear the bulky bomb protection suit. "You can't react to any sniper fire and you get tunnel-vision," he explains. So, protected by just a helmet and standard-issue flak jacket, he began what bomb disposal officers term "the longest walk", stepping gingerly into a 5 ft. Deep and 8 ft. Wide crater.
The earth shifted slightly and he saw a Senao base station with a wire leading from it. He cut the wire and used his 7 inch knife to probe the ground. "I found a piece of red detonating cord between my legs," he says. "That's when I knew I was screwed."
Realizing he had been sucked into a trap, Sgt Burghardt, 35, yelled at everyone to stay back. At that moment, an insurgent, probably watching through binoculars, pressed a button on his mobile phone to detonate the secondary device below the sergeant's feet. "A chill went up the back of my neck and then the bomb exploded," he recalls. "As I was in the air I remember thinking, 'I don't believe they got me.' I was just ticked off they were able to do it. Then I was lying on the road, not able to feel anything from the waist down."
His colleagues cut off his trousers to see how badly he was hurt. None could believe his legs were still there. "My dad's a Vietnam vet who's paralyzed from the waist down," says Sgt Burghardt. "I was lying there thinking I didn't want to be in a wheelchair next to my dad and for him to see me like that. They started to cut away my pants and I felt a real sharp pain and blood trickling down.
Then I wiggled my toes and I thought, 'Good, I'm in business.' "As a stretcher was brought over, adrenaline and anger kicked in.
"I decided to walk to the helicopter. I wasn't going to let my team-mates see me being carried away on a stretcher." He stood and gave the insurgents who had blown him up a one-fingered salute. "I flipped them one. It was like, 'OK, I lost that round but I'll be back next week'."
Copies of a photograph depicting his defiance, taken by Jeff Bundy for the Omaha World-Herald, adorn the walls of homes across America and that of Colonel John Gronski, the brigade commander in Ramadi, who has hailed the image as an exemplar of the warrior spirit. Sgt Burghardt's injuries - burns and wounds to his legs and buttocks - kept him off duty for nearly a month and could have earned him a ticket home. But, like his father - who was awarded a Bronze Star and three Purple Hearts for being wounded in action in Vietnam - he stayed in Ramadi to engage in the battle against insurgents who are forever coming up with more ingenious ways of killing Americans.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
The ones who remember 9 11
I tell you it nearly broke my heart when president bush gave his memorial speech. Here's my opinion of his speech oops sorry memorial. Bush says, my fellow Americans we all have heavy hearts on this day for all our brothers and sisters lost 5 years ago. But my heart is especially heavy cause I have to defend why I believe I am right about sending all of our brothers and sisters in the service to Iraq.We all know Bin Lauden attacked us but I have to get Saddam for my daddy. And the rest is blah blah blah as long as he could get away with. Well I feel much better now because in my neighboring city we they have 2 beams of light that will shine all week in memory of all our brothers and sisters we lost 5 years ago on 9 11.And we was there for our towns throwing wreaths into the river in memory of. 9 11 shall not be forgotten. God be with all our troops in Irag.
Monday, September 11, 2006
cartoon character
ok i deleted the cartoon character no one wanted to help name her.i am working on a new project hope to show you soon.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
awesome 9 11 tribute
now i call this a very nice tribute to 9 11. i watched the flash video at the end it too is very awesome except i did'nt agree with the part where they say bravo president bush. in my own opinion president bush has done a very bad jobat taking care of the 9 11 ordeal.where is bin lauden, are we even looking for bin lauden, no because bush is too busy trying to get even with saddam. why because saddam made bush's daddy look bad because he could'nt catch him. all i got to say is thank god bush cant be voted in again or is he gonna change that too while he is president. god help us if we get another president like bush.americans might just have to take america back.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
4x4 still down
well hubby got the fuel pump done and guess what? THAT WASN"T IT. so here we go again going after fuel pressure regulator next. i'm just so glad i had hubby buy me a 3000 dollar 4x4 so i can still drive my 200 dollar trusty but rusty. i keep saying i'm gonna sell her but i just can't part with her (89 escort pony). the poor old girl is falling apart but she will go anywhere i ask her to. last year hubby said she wouldn't make it on our camping trip and she proved him wrong. his cadillac died on him though. i have only owned her for about 5 years now but she has outlasted a van, another escort, a cadillac, my 4x4, and even hubbys truck that runs half the time. bought her sight unseen went by a friends word and it turned out good. soon though i will have to put the ole girl out to pasture shes rustin out, passenger door dont work (climb in dukes of hazzard style), i know she needs at least 3 new struts (she got 1 a couple years ago), hatchback don't latch, but she kills mosquitos (if ya know what i mean. she has outlasted any car i owned before. with all the money we spent on our other vehicles we could have turned her into a brand new car. so now hubby is thinkin if she survives until my 4x4 is dependable he will put money into her and fix her up for one of my boys first cars. that would be nice cause then i know all the little quirks the car has.
saddam innocent of something?
ok i'm not the best at politics so dont hate me for my opinion.but i just read an article saying saddam had no ties with al qaida. ok heres how i see the future when bush's term runs out saddam's trial will end and he will be found innocent. i definitely dont like the idea but i have always thought all along that bush went after saddam for revenge cause his daddy could'nt catch him. just my opinion tell me yours.
Friday, September 08, 2006
baaad snake
Reuters - Wed Sep 6, 3:25 AM ET A python sits on a road after swallowing a pregnant ewe in the village of Kampung Jabor, about 200 km (124 miles) east of Kuala Lumpur, on September 5, 2006. The six-metre reptile weighing 90 kg (198.5 lbs) was too laden to move, making it easy for firemen to capture it, said a local daily newspaper. Picture taken September 5, 2006. MALAYSIA OUT NO ARCHIVE NO SALES REUTERS/Stringer (MALAYSIA)
Thursday, September 07, 2006
hide that cellphone where ?
this is my pick for oddest story this time. 4 prisoners in El Salvador decided to hide cellphones in their anus. one of them even stuffed a charger up there and they also had 9 chips. ok i have to say it this question has been in my mind since i read the story. when they go to the restroom is that considered a dropped call? one thing i know for sure i will never need a cellphone that bad. and another thing i wonder they had to have set the phone ring on vibrate so the guards wouldn't hear them.i bet that made for some exciting phone calls.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
honey agate haven
i started another blog on blogspot titled honey agate haven. this blogspot is for all my fans out there that are into rocks, bones, and fossils. i even started my own group on yahoo called rockhounds. feel free to join my group if you like. i will talk about my adventures and hope to show some pictures of some nice finds. thank you all for your support.
Monday, September 04, 2006
crikeys,crocodile hunter dies at age 44
well we all knew it would happen sooner or later.i send out my condolences to his wife and family. Crocodile hunter Steve Irwin killed by stingray. My children enjoyed his show me myself thought the man was nuts. So a warning to all watch out for stingrays if they can get the professionals they can get you too.
Sunday, September 03, 2006
country music festival
saturday hubby took me to a country music festival about 20 miles north of us. his uncle was the mc there hes in the country music hall of fame, he was a dj for a very long time.plus the fact that hubby was in suck up mode (which i took full advantage of).while we were up there i made hubby buy me a bunch of F...ing rocks as he calls them. then i made him buy me a cowgirl hat, im sure wont get much use. but we had fun listening to some good ole country, ate some good food, and made sure i spent hubbys money. the rock guy was real nice he wasnt even open because of the rain but he remembered hubby from the day before when he bought me a couple of egg shaped rocks. so he told me i could come in and check it out i think i got about 2 of every rock he had and 3 arrowheads. he gave us a little discount plus threw in a couple extra geodes for me. the guy was real nice even told me a good book to get to help me with my rock hunting. it turned out to be a real good day for me anyway it cost hubby but he had fun.
Saturday, September 02, 2006
attack of the blog
last couple of days my blog was looking kinda messed up so i had my computer whiz neighbor come over to help me. we had to have gone through my template a million times trying to find the problem.we moved stuff around,we moved eveything closer, and we even tried a new template to redo everything nothing seem to work. so after all my little extras were gone i still had a messed up blog. finally sitting there staring at my blog (headache growing) we noticed one of my post links stuck out a little far. so i edited and took it out and guess what my blog went back to normal. this was not the end of my headache though i still had to put all my little extra stuff inand every time we added something we double checked the blog to make sure it did'nt mess up. thats where we found the next problem one of my pictures was a little too big. so we just made it a little smaller. so once again i have proved to my computer that i am the boss. new age you got nothing on old school hehe.
Friday, September 01, 2006
cat owners can relate to this
Instructions for Giving Your Cat a Pill1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call friend.6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get friend to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down remove ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.8. Wrap cat in large towel and get friend to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to friend's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.13. Tie cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, hold cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet of steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.14. Get friend to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.15. Arrange for SPCA to collect cat. Ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
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